


Attack on Shark Week

by Allregretto



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Approximately one millimeter of angst, Crack, Cute, EVERYONE IS ALIVE AND HAPPY, Featuring Moblit the minder, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Gen, Hange Zoe's enthusiasm is a force of nature, Heartwarming, Humor, Levi needs a drink and a raise, Nerdiness, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, The 104th are awkward interns, shark trivia, shark week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:36:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29665314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allregretto/pseuds/Allregretto
Summary: An otherwise peaceful day at Survey Corps Inc. is interrupted by Hange's passion for their favorite "holiday": Shark Week! Will Hange get the Shark Week party of their dreams, or will more reasonable voices prevail?
Relationships: Hange Zoe & Shark Week, Levi Ackerman & Hange Zoë, Moblit Berner & Hange Zoë
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Attack on Shark Week

As Levi walked in for what he was confident would be another boring and annoyance-filled day at Survey Corps Inc., he was met with a truly disturbing sight.

Their research director, Hange Zoë, was humming. _Skipping_ , and humming, with considerably more enthusiasm than skill. Levi never could comprehend how their resident four-eyed force of nature could always muster up so much enthusiasm for work, but this was excessive, even for them.

After some quick mental math to make sure he had PTO left, Levi turned on his heel and headed back for the door. Erwin wouldn’t be happy but whatever had Hange this manic before 8am he wanted no part of it.

He wasn’t fast enough.

“Leviiii!” Hange burst out, waving enthusiastically. “Good morn-“

Levi broke into a jog. The door, and blessed Hange-less peace and quiet beyond, was just a few steps away.

“Wait, where are you going? You just got here!” Damn, four-eyes could really move when they wanted to. Somehow they’d managed to squeeze themself between Levi and the door just before he could escape.

Levi heaved a world-weary sigh. He needed a raise. And a drink.

Turning sullenly from his hopes at escape, Levi allowed Hange to usher him towards his office. They were bouncing. _Bouncing_. He wasn’t going to ask, he _refused_.

Risking a glance at his unwelcome companion, Levi took in their signature messy ponytail, glasses smudged to hell, lab coat splattered with ink and god knew what else, and eyes _sparkling_ with earnest excitement.

_Goddammit._

_Sigh_. “I know I’m gonna regret asking this…. But what –“

“I’m SO glad you asked!” Hange interrupted. Levi could feel a headache coming on. 

“My favorite holiday is coming up! I’m always surprised at how many people need reminding. I know it’s not a national holiday but really you’d think –“

“Holiday?” God, it was way too early for this. Levi wasn’t much of one for holidays but he was pretty sure there wasn’t supposed to be one in the immediate future.

“Of course! It’s almost Shark Week!” Hange crowed, skipping alongside him. 

Levi sighed, again. It was going to be a very long day.

***

Erwin Smith prided himself on his professionalism and composure, which is why he swallowed his sudden trepidation and schooled his face into friendly neutrality when Hange bounced into his office, eyes gleaming with manic excitement, at 8am on a Monday.

“Good morning Hange. I wasn’t expecting you.” He carefully kept his voice free of reprimand, though he doubted Hange would be fazed even if he hadn’t. His head of research could hardly be said to have a delicate personality, something he found gratifying and exasperating in equal measure.

“Erwin! I’m so glad I found you! I just wanted to bring you this proposal draft!”

“Draft?” Erwin asked. Hange could put out a truly astounding amount of work, but Erwin hadn’t been expecting any new research proposals.

“Yes! It’s a proposal for a company-wide observance of Shark Week!”

Oh. Was it that time of year already? Erwin repressed a sigh. This was going to be a long meeting.

“Hange, we’ve been over this before. Survey Corps simply doesn’t have the time or resources to celebrate Shark Week. I’m sorry, I really am.” Erwin did his best to sound sincere. Having to let Hange down on something they were so excited about felt a little bit like kicking a puppy. He’d had to deny them their Shark Week party every single year they’d suggested it (he’d lost track of how many, at this point), and it always left him feeling like an ass.

“But Erwin –“

“I’m sorry, Hange, but it just isn’t feasible. As always you’re welcome to take time off to celebrate…”

Hange was gearing up for a rebuttal when Erwin was saved by a knock at the door.

“Come in!” Erwin called, and Armin Arlert, one of the new interns, poked his head in the door. 

“Sir? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were busy, I was just going to drop off these reports…”  
“No! No, it’s fine.” Erwin tried not to sound too enthusiastic at Arlert’s interruption, while also trying to think of an excuse to keep the intern from leaving. He wasn’t above using him as a buffer. It was for the greater good, after all.

“I’d actually wanted to check in with you to make sure you were settling in okay…” Erwin began, but Hange cut him off.

“Armin, how do you feel about Shark Week?”

“Uh.” The poor boy looked a bit lost, torn between Erwin’s calm yet commanding demeanor and Hange’s rabid enthusiasm, but he recovered quickly. He was Erwin’s favorite for a reason.

“I’m really enjoying my internship so far, sir.” He turned to Hange then. “And… I guess I like Shark Week? I haven’t watched it in a long time, though.”

Armin squeaked as Hange clapped him on the shoulder, then turned back to Erwin, fresh determination blazing in their eyes. Erwin had to admit this diversion wasn’t going as well as he had hoped it would.

“One party! Just one!” Hange shoved poor Arlert forward when Erwin tried to protest.

“I’ll host a party to welcome our new interns! Great for building team spirit and such. And parties need themes! So the theme will be Shark Week!”

Erwin couldn’t suppress his sigh this time. But before he could respond, Hange cut in again.

“I’ll handle everything! It won’t cost the company a dime! And it’ll build camaraderie and morale! Surely this is better than a retreat with trust falls!”

Erwin winced at that. He truly believed that respect and trust were essential to a good workplace environment, but he was afraid that he’d never be able to live down the Trust Fall Incident. Worse, Arlert looked like he was starting to get curious, and he wouldn’t put it past Hange to recount the awful, embarrassing story to all of the interns. No, Erwin wasn’t going to get out of this conversation without making some sacrifices.

Unfortunately for the interns.

“Fine. If you’re handling the expenses and it’s not happening during work hours I suppose I can’t complain. You can borrow the interns for your party. Just… please return them in one piece?”

“Yes!” Hange whooped. “Oh, this is so exciting! You won’t regret this sir, we’re going to have SO MUCH FUN! Come on, Arlert, we’ve got a party to plan!”

“But the reports!” Armin squeaked as Hange hauled him out of the office, reports still in hand. 

Shaking his head with exasperated fondness, Erwin privately thanked the interns for their collective sacrifice.

***

It wasn’t that Moblit had issues with respecting others’ privacy. He thought privacy was great! Boundaries, too, were something that Moblit liked, though as the research assistant and roommate to one Hange Zoë, he had very little of either. Still, it was something he liked to respect in other people.

Which is why he felt more than a twinge of guilt at going through Hange’s browsing history on their personal computer. 

Hange had been over the moon with excitement after getting Erwin’s blessing to conscript the interns into a Shark Week party, and their good mood was infectious. Moblit found himself going along with the preparations happily enough. But Hange was Hange, and they had a tendency to get a bit… carried away. They’d asked him about the dimensions of their bathtub just one too many time.

And now Moblit was guiltily going through their search history.

“Best Shark Week themed foods… Entropy… Tyrosine kinase inhibitors… Surface area of a cat… glycosylation end products…. Cat cafes near me… Well, it seems pretty normal so far.” At least, normal for Hange.

But if Moblit was going to violate Hange’s privacy for the greater good, he may as well do it right, so he kept scrolling.

“Shark Week streaming schedule… Genital rash identification, _Jesus Christ, Hange_ … Cat shark husbandry…. Liveaquaria… Wait. Shit.”

No. Surely they wouldn’t. 

Right?

Moblit steeled himself.

“Haanngeee! Get down here! We need to talk!”

***

When Eren found out that he and the other interns had been voluntold by Erwin himself to attend a welcome party with the research director of Survey Corps, he hadn’t known what to expect.

But whatever it was, it wasn’t _this_.

The interns arrived, shepherded inside by an apologetic Moblit and a long-suffering Levi, to what might or might not have been the shrine of some ocean-worshipping cult. 

A large banner reading “Happy Shark Week”, with “and welcome interns” scrawled in messy handwriting in a corner, hung from the ceiling. The walls were plastered with posters of what appeared to be various sharks. The pillows on the couch were sharks. The beanbag chairs on the floor… were also sharks.

The plates and cups? You guessed it, sharks. Everything was sharks. Even Hange was wearing a shark print tie. 

“Welcome!” They chirped, gesturing excitedly. “Come in, come in! Have a seat, grab some food, look at some specimens!”

Sasha and Connie dove for the food with little hesitation, and gradually the interns began to disperse from their awkward huddle near the door. Bertoldt and Reiner seemed drawn to some of the posters. Historia cooed over the shark beanbag chairs, while Ymir cooed over Historia. Even Annie was having trouble looking as sullen as usual while holding onto a pillow shaped like a chubby whaleshark. Soon Eren and Mikasa were the only ones left standing awkwardly in the doorway. Eren found himself wishing Mikasa would make the first move, but she seemed content to shadow Eren as usual, watching him grow increasingly uncomfortable.

Finally, Eren forced himself to wander over to where Armin was admiring some glass jars displayed on shelves lining the walls of Hange and Moblit’s kitchen. 

“Hey Armin, what are you looking…”

Eren trailed off as he caught sight of what might have been a pickled shark fetus floating in a jar. The jars surrounding it had similarly ominous looking contents.

“So these are the specimens?” Mikasa was unfazed, as usual. 

“Yep! Cool, right?” Eren jumped as Hange materialized behind them. The prevailing rumor amongst the interns was that Hange was some type of knowledge demon, and asking a question would summon them, no matter where they were. Eren normally wasn’t overly superstitious, but he’d yet to see that rumor proven wrong.

“That’s a sand tiger shark fetus. I borrowed it just for the occasion. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Uh… yeah?” Beautiful wasn’t the first word he would have used, but it somehow seemed the right thing to say.

“Did you know that most sharks bear live young, instead of laying eggs? Their gestation is actually very similar to mammals in many ways. Oh, except for the cannibalism.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, as baby sharks develop in the womb, the first one to develop teeth will often prey upon its younger siblings. Cool, huh? In fact, I recently read that…”

Eren regretted saying anything at all, but it was too late. Once Hange started lecturing, there was no escape.

***

Even if they’d failed to convince Erwin on the merits of a company-wide Shark Week celebration during work hours, Hange was still pretty pleased with how things had turned out. 

The interns had come in clumped together tighter than platelets in a blood clot, but now they’d spread out and seemed to be enjoying themselves. Even Moblit, who had ruined their plan to bring in a live cat shark, and Levi, who had bitched nonstop about the party the whole week, were spread out on the couch, eyes glued to the television. Levi would deny being invested in the fate of Finn the hammerhead shark until his dying breath, but Hange would always know better.

While the interns could never match Hange’s passion for sharks, they at least seemed interested, though their attention spans left something to be desired. Sasha only seemed able to pay attention as long as food was in her mouth, while Eren had looked like he was going to be ill when Hange had educated him on the particulars of sand tiger shark reproduction. At least Armin was pretty good at keeping up. They hadn’t seen him for a little while, though.

“Hey, Hange?” Eren approached, looking worried.

“Yeah, kiddo, what’s up?”

“Have you seen Armin? I thought he was just going to the bathroom but he’s still not back…”

Armin didn’t strike Hange as the type to skip out on a (technical) work event, but stranger things had happened. Still, they’d promised to return the interns to Erwin intact, and they were fond of Armin.

“Ah, I’m sure he’s around. Why don’t you and Mikasa go keep Levi company while I track down Armin? Don’t wanna miss out on Tiger Shark King, right?” Hange ushered the two awkward teens over to a glaring Levi, knowing that he’d babysit even if he bitched about it.

Now to track down their wayward intern.

***

Armin, it turned out, was on the balcony, alone and quiet and distinctively lacking in sharks. Hange couldn’t imagine why anyone would choose a lonely balcony over a Shark Week party, but the kid seemed almost delicate, standing there alone. So Hange slipped into their best Reliable Adult persona, and wandered up next to Armin.

“Hey Arlert. You’re missing Tiger Shark King.” They didn’t ask why he was sulking alone. He’d tell them when he was ready.

“Sorry, Hange. I know you worked really hard on this party. I just needed a minute…”

He looked like he wanted to say something else. Hange decided to wait him out.

“You know how I told you I hadn’t watched Shark Week in a long time?” He finally asked, sounding more timid than Hange had ever heard him.

“Mhm.” They waited for him to continue.

“… Well, I used to watch it with my parents, years ago. Before they died, and I went to live with my grandfather.”

Oh. 

“Damn, Armin. I’m really sorry.” What else was there to say?

“My mom especially loved Shark Week. She always said we’d go visit the ocean one day. I guess… I’m just sad I never got to do that with them.” Hange could hear Armin’s voice crack a little at the end, but a quick glance to the side showed that his eyes were stubbornly dry. Hange had to admit, the kid was tougher than he looked.

After a moment’s hesitation, they threw an arm over Arlert’s shoulder. He jumped like a skittish cat, but didn’t try to pull away, so Hange decided it was the right move.

“Look, kiddo. If being here right now is hard for you, I’ll give you a ride home. Make sure the others don’t pester you too much, too. Whatever you need.”

“No, that’s okay.” Armin sniffed. “It’s mostly been nostalgic in a fun way, being here. My mom would have loved a party like this!” He laughed a little at the end. “I bet she’d even listen to all your long-ass lectures.”

“Hey, who knew you were such a smartass, Arlert!” Hange chuckled, bumping him with their hip. “Better watch it or I’ll tell Erwin. He’d be crushed to learn that his favorite intern has an attitude.” Armin finally huffed out a proper laugh.

_That’s better._

After a few moments Armin shifted from under Hange’s arm and turned back towards the door.

“So you said something about Tiger Shark King?”

Hange laughed and followed him back inside. “Of course! It’s Levi’s favorite, but he’ll shank me if he finds out I told you, so that stays between us, yeah?”

“Sure thing Hange. And… thank you.”

“No problem, Armin, now go watch some sharks!”

As Armin made his way over to the couch where Levi and Mikasa were squabbling over a whaleshark pillow, interns and Moblit piled around them on furniture and bean bag chairs, Hange couldn’t help but be proud.

This was their best Shark Week yet.


End file.
